Oh My Immortal
by Braco Boy
Summary: Readers view a story that is, well, just a mess. A terrible, horrible mess. Seriously, does the author think Edward is that retarted? Troll and Mary Sue parody.


This was an interesting experience. I figured I would make fun of several elements in this story, hopefully it worked out well. The goal is to actually make this a multi chapter parody, and in order to do such this first chapter would have to be a relative success.

Now, this parody will not be making fun of Twilight per se, but will be making fun of the fan fiction. A certain kind of fan fiction.

* * *

He stared at what had to be more than a thousand pages of Twilight fan fiction. We say Twilight, without the quotes and italics, because he simply refused to believe something so bland and predictable could be posted as a real novel.

Obviously, this man was no fan of the popular series. This brought up the question; why on earth was he staring at a page full of Twilight fan fiction, when he so obviously despised the series? Had he nothing better to do than to pick on unsuspecting authors and leave harsh critique, mostly fueled by the very hatred he had for the books?

Apparently…

So he glanced through the next several pages, attempting to find something of actual decency. He found it hard to believe that an actual good fan fiction might exist, considering that not even most _"Harry Potter" _fan fictions were a cut above average on the writing level. See how that story name was glorified with italics and quotes? Just goes to show you what type of douche this guy was; the typical Potter fan, Twi-hater. You could bet his reviews, should he feel impulse to actually leave one, would consist of the following words; "pompous, unintelligent, mediocre, predictable, and I hate this story".

It seemed like all hope should be abandoned after a good ten minutes of going through pages and pages of the same summaries and same hashed out Mary-Sue disguised as an Original character. Ha, as if. Not even Bella was original, and she was acclaimed to be quote on quote realistic, end quote. The very though that these, what he assumed to be, prepubescent girls, could be anything along the lines of artistic, let alone talented enough to create a character that truly was original and noteworthy, made him laugh. Aside from these stories, there was the ever usual Edward falling in love with Bella, sometimes Jacob with Bella, unnecessary yaoi, high school fan fictions, and, dare we mention, mpreg.

Sometime after the thirtieth page, the reader decided to lighten his search. Considering most stories were revolved around romance, and not just this particular fan base-most fan fictions revolved around romance-he figured he would simply search a particular genre, hoping it would do him a huge favor by removing a hundred pages or so. So he gave a quick glance at the genres and settled for drama, because angst and hurt/comfort was pretty much the same thing, and nobody really cared for anything else.

And it was here where he found "it".

It was right on the very top of the first page, and without a comment to its rather unusual name;

_Dark Light_

Well, wasn't that a bit rhetorical? But as he began to scroll down, his eyes caught what had to be one of the most tragic things it had the misfortune to lay eyes on; the summary.

_Dark Light_

_Daphne is orfan and is aduped by cullen famile but the don no she is not vampir. will she be alowed 2 stay? EdwurdXOc. rate M for vilense a scaree theems._

_Twilight- Rated M- English- Drama/Horror - Chapters- 4 Words- 2012 Reviews-34 Published-6/7/10_

What in gods name was that? Even better, where was he to begin? The spelling was absolutely atrocious-at best- and he was barely able to make out the summary. He couldn't figure out whether the character was adopted or abducted, seeing as the misspelled word could linger to either or. The only word that seemed to be spelled correctly was Daphne, whom he assumed to be another Mary-Sue. Gee. And the summary itself was a mess. It questioned whether she would be allowed to stay, oh…so she was adopted, yet the next statement shows that this was yet another Edward falling for OC stories. Apparently she stays.

But the spelling. It burned the eyes. He looked for the ever popular "I'm not good at English" excuse, but was moderately startled to see that it was nowhere to be found on the summary. Of course, should he decide to look further into the story, he was sure there would be some sort of line where the author "confessed" this weakness.

The next thing that got him was the publishing date. This story was not that old, and from what he could see, all four chapters had been published on the same day, possibly throughout the day as the author received its many reviews.

Oh yes, the reviews. Despite all four chapters being released during the time span of only twenty four hours, this fan fiction had quite a collection of reviews on it. Of course, judging by the summary, he could easily guess what they may contain. But this was problem. A huge problem. Never mind the possibly flames that may rest within this story, the very fact that people actually decided to leave a review, pointing out their disgust to this story, only would result in more reviews to the story itself. The assumption is, in most reader's cases, that if there are a lot of reviews, the story must be good. People will flock to a story with over a hundred reviews, simply because of the fact that it had over a hundred reviews.

He stared at the story title for a few minutes, debating over whether or not it would be worth his time to actually click on it. Natural curiosity made him want to see what horrors were around the corner, much like a white female character in a horror movie would often walk alone through the woods. But in the long run; did he really want to read a story called "Dark Light"? Better yet; a story about a Mary sure named Daphne falling in love with that stoic faced Edward? He looked over to the top of his lap top screen and refreshed the page.

It gained three reviews.

Screw it.

He clicked on the story and waited as the next page loaded, expecting all sorts of things. The first thing he saw was the authors note. And, boy, was it a surprise from the usual;

_Hi. This is my firs t fic n im ver esited. i rely luv twilit n worked very herd on tis fic so plz dunt flam me. if u flame em then yur a freking trol!1!11!_

Fun fact; any word processor would have corrected several of these mistakes on the dot. But it wasn't the horrid misspelled words that pissed the reader, and improper usage of the number one. No, it wasn't even the lack of the "poor English" excuse. What seemed to annoy him beyond all belief was the very last statement in the authors note. A flame from a reviewer, to this story, made one a troll? And this person was typing a strange mixture of text style and just retarded grammar…

_Dsclamer- I don owun tis stori. it blungs 2 sefani mier._

Oh now they were just trying too hard. If you declare your love for Twilight, only to misspell the title and the author of the story, then you obviously wither hate it or are on some form of medication that leaves you incapable of forming the simplest of words.

Or you're a troll.

His eyes lowered down to the first sentence of the story;

_Ther was a gurl name Daphne Ivory Krystyne an 2day se was bein adoped by a fmilee name cullens. she use 2 liv wit her parnts but then he mum dide of a kanser n her fader wuz relly abused 2 her so she wuz sent 2 custodi 2 fin a beter familee so the culd tak car of her._

Well that pretty much summed the whole plot up. Yet another poor unfortunate soul, doomed to live a life of unusual misery. Only difference between young…Daphne Ivory Krystyne-what kind of name was that-was the spelling. He felt like he was working on a deranged jigsaw puzzle, trying to figure out what exactly was being said here.

"_how r u feelin" the driver aske Daphne n she luked up n said "fin but im kinda nervus"-_

He was pretty sure you actually had to work to be this bad. There was no way on earth the computer that was used to type this out allowed this writing to look this bad. It must have corrected some of these words, only to have the author go off and retype them out in an incorrect form. Because, aside from "Kinda", which is an incorrect word to begin with, most of these would have been instantly corrected.

_Don wury" sad the driver "the cullens r ver nise family n they will tak gud care of u". dpahne said I hop so and senk bac to her set n froned. She wuz relly tird frum al the abus from al oter foser homes she wen 2. Pople wer mean 2 her 4 no reson wat so evuh and it was rely unfare. Al she want ed was 2 b a norm gurl lik every1 else. "i realy hop their nise" daphne said quitly b4 lukin out windew 2 c a huge prety huse. it was cullen house._

It was a damn shame this story was so fast paced, otherwise the storyline would be somewhat decent. But of course, there were huge plot holes within the story. Hopefully the author would explain as to why a family of vampires would adopt a human girl, considering everything that had happened to Bella in the books.

_Dphne was a relly prety gril. _

Wait…what was happening?

_She had ivory wite skin n brite blu eyes tht spakled relly pretty. she waus skiny but aslo had curves._

The Mary sue was now randomly being described. Out of nowhere. Why?

And to describe her skin as ivory and her last name was ivory; it simply does not compute. And how do you have curves when you're described to be skinny?

_Her hare wuz long n [retty n blak n shiny. _

Glad to know. But what about the story?

_Her nails wer panted dark blu wich wuz her fav colur. she thot bout ding her hare dark blu but wuz not shure sinse-_

The reader grabbed the mouse and scrolled down the paragraph, not willing to read any more description for the ever "ordinary" original character. He was startled to see that the chapter he was reading was almost over. He wasn't quite sure whether or not this was a good or bad thing, but he figured he might as well go and finish what he started.

_Daphne walkd into glass hou se n luked round te house._

Wait, what happened to the driver? What happened to her getting her bags? Her telling the driver, whoever the hell he was, thanks for the drive? What happened to the flow of the story? When exactly did she leave the car?

Immediately he scrolled up to paragraph he had skipped. He quickly looked through it and frowned.

No, the author decided that right after describing her self insert she would have her character go right into the Cullen household. Without keys.

_Daphne sat downe n gav a sih cauz she waz rely tird from th e driv. She tuk of her jaket and relaxes on te cowch wile waitin 4 te cullen 2 arive. "wer r they" she ask an get up rfom seat 2 look around sum mor "they sad they wuld be her" she aded and huried over 2 the stares 2 mke shure she is nt lone/._

"_I hav bad feelin abot this" daphne sai d n she waked up stares. _

Hey look; more improper grammar. He groaned, shaking his head in disapproval. Reading this was becoming more and more painful; like a corneal scraping being performed without proper drugs. But he was almost done…

_daphnee luked into a rooom-_

Oh now you're just being silly.

_nnd she stard in it. it was a strang room. "ther is no bed" daphne said and she waked into rokm wit-out thinking/_

Oh hell, "thinking" was actually spelled right. Better go PM the writer so she can go fix it and screw it around like every other word.

_It was quit…_

_Relly quit… ..._

Sure you didn't have enough ellipses? After all, nothing builds annoyingly awkward suspense better than a huge amount of ellipses.

_Daphne got nervus n desided to hury b4 somting bad was 2 happn._

_But b4 she could take a better look arounf the room n then get out of room… ... ...she wuz attaked!1!1_

_TBC!_

…

Really? Was that the end of the chapter?

He looked at the lower part of the page to see a bold writing of what he assumed to be the later author's note, which was strange because the first author's note was written out without being bolded.

_**I hop u lik the story. Plz tel me wat u thik n reviuw. **_

This was offensive. He can only guess what the reviews had said to this very chapter. No, he didn't even have to guess. It was obvious. They were pissed. Angered. Disgusted. Sure, there were the few who joked around and gave the author a thumbs up, but in reality, something like this was just not funny. People had spent hours, sometimes more, typing out what they hoped to be a work of art. This was probably done within a matter of minutes.

You should leave a harsh review. Even better; you should tell all your friends about this and tell them to leave harsh reviews…that way there are more harsh-

No! What on earth would that solve?

He sank into his bed and gave a long sigh. Yes, he would most definitely leave a review, but by god it would not be a flame! People like this either flame you back or just ignore you…even if he did tell the author to stop, resubmit, or just change the genre to parody, it wouldn't help.

Still, it was worth a try, right?

He pulled his laptop back to his lap, carefully eyeing the review button. He was never one to actually abuse a story, only being a pretentious snob and telling authors they suck and leave it at that. But now, for the first time in his life, he felt compelled to end the career of this so called "author". By god, he was so passionate to end the life of this story. But as he was about to press the little arrow button, figuring a abuse report would be the best course of action, he saw something in the corner of his eye.

There were more chapters.

* * *

This was hard to write. I'm serious. I actually had to work to keep these words incorrect, and had to hope this site would not just delete them. And don't get me started on spell checking this story. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this enough for me to continue this sad story. I may add new readers, since a snobby Twi-hater will only be so amusing, and having a Twi-lover would probably do more in later chapters, but I'll leave it up to you. Though, I really would love to write out how Edward falls in love with my MS. Remember, this is a parody-please do not report this as abuse as this was done for humorous purposes.


End file.
